+ it's all false love and affection, you don want me you just like the attention.

Sunday October 4, 2009

drum and bass echos endlessly in my mind, reverberating in the cracks of my skull.
sound seeps in from this tiny room i am immersed in.
close my eyes for a little while, the closest feeling I've got to a buzz before you left.

...skinny love

; cover up- its just a visage.

Im sick of these normalcies!
in my life for one thing...
reflected in my writing for another.

the same words, overheard in coffee shops
reused and recycled in my own pieces
opening doors
forcing me to reap the benefits.

It's awkward and uncomfortable-
this state of mind,
this time of year.

The sun stays out longer, but its just as cold.

funny how it happens...

my mind a clear slate
ready to resume my position of potential that I comfortably resided in
before you captured my attention.
and for a short moment a feeling of exuberance overcomes me
but as fate would have it,
you arrive again.

why i'm left- the way i'm left

the desirable appears raw and real
somewhat dangerous
and never predictable

the faltering nature of my disposition leaves me stranded

I was sitting on a park bench
Holding my breath

When you walked right on by
I sat there, holding my breath

And my eyes began to water
As I held my breath

I watched you pull her close and kiss her
While I held my breath

Shortly after, when she left you
You caught me holding my breath

My cheeks puffed out, a shade of blue
For you, I held my breath

And as you looked at me,
All you could see
Was a blue faced girl- near death

I resent the fact, for you my dear-
That I ever held my breath

a tidal wave paralyzes me
casting a shadow slowly
first onto my shins, creeping upwards
towards my chest
my neck crooked to witness the overtaking

the water is seeping through my pores
washing away my internal organs
drowning me
from the inside, out.

tonight...

words left to fester on the tip of my tongue
oblivious to their meaning and impact
unaware of the complications that linger behind them

I see a gentle cafe in between two stone buildings
Where a breeze catches and when the wake is high mist carries through the crevasse
Refreshing all of the busy bodies enjoying their lattes


I see a romantic setting with candles and a table set by someone,
with malicious intent to please, someone else.
Their love overflowing and spilling out of the wine glasses,
Each lover sipping gracefully from them.


I see the wind, the cold calm wind.
Blowing everyone just the same.
And everyone breathing- just the same.
And something occurring that is nearly unexplainable.

Often times i sit in solitude,
Nervously, of course.

Nervous not due to my seclusion,
Nervous of how you feel, soaking in yours.

I reassure you, although you see me now as someone strange and new.
I am more myself now.
More than ever.

You look nice.
You look like something sugary.
Rough but sweet to the taste.

I want nothing more than to wrap myself around you
Hold you close to my chest.

I see you and I- us.
Melting in the sun
Your hands grasping my heart with a tight grip.
To cut off its circulation
And me, left to feel nothing but pins & needles.

To stop the pain that follows
A revelation- that it would be inexplicably selfish to do this to you again.

You made me who I am,
Now neither of us know,
Where I am to go next...

We'll work that one out together.

I have nothing to say.

I think this means I'm happy.

I feel helplessly devoted to ensuring the utmost happiness for myself at this point in time.
I feel a refreshing feeling that follows shortly after the sappy, sad and seemingly detrimental kind of night I had on friday.

I am just excited to finally begin focusing on myself again.

march 11/09

this unfamiliarity turns me off
and forces me to feel reluctance

i hesitate to write what i know
for fear that it may be discovered untrue

i stay clear of writing how i feel
for fear that someone may understand

bundatshityo

thanks girl, here you are!

How dare you look at me
Lay breathing with me
Telling me, only me

How dare you crawl your way
On your hands and knees
To be with me

And with those hands,
Two sweating hands

You press into my body
Mouth wide open
Eyes closed blissfully

How dare you waste my time
On sex and lies

tell us what you want.

I've been thinking about my infatuation with love
and how I continue to make helpless excuses to distract myself from what I know I want.

Everyone wants something more
There is not one person who doesn't long for the security and stability of something real
Something big enough for two people to swim in- or drown in- happily.

And although at times the thought makes me sick, I do believe that in instances of insecurity
and vulnerability I lower myself , and the quality of who I am to please the shallow self.

Questions arise that force me to review what it is I really am attempting to find.

Something that makes me want to write.

I don't want a forever.
I want a right now.

beautiful

im not up for wordiness today
everything feels mostly introverted for the moment

wait until my heart seizes and i can't keep the words tucked neatly inside any longer-
things could get messy.

advantage: (in the context: to take advantage of)- to make use of for gain: to take advantage of an opportunity.




yep.
there it is-
to take advantage of- or be taken advantage of

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs


can i have some?

ah-lone

There is an issue that has come to my attention that I feel necessary to address.

The problem is, each night I sip my tea before I slid in between the sheets
fiddling with them gently, pulling them up over my eyes

And then, my arm reaching up
Turns out the light, dousing me in truth

I close my eyes,
Nearly believing that being alone is better than feeling warmth permeate between the sheets
And us


And the issue sits, soaking in logic and reason

But reasoning only enlightens me
Being alone will never feel to me, like you felt with me

february 2

this day was great

i hate not making sense
but its like the thing i do best.


i miss a lot of people

knee deep in darkness
nervously touching myself to ensure I stay in tact

boundaries are broken
from my fingertips pour an elastic like fluid

i begin to move now, forgetting about the darkness that nearly consumed me
and as my finger tips move the more this fluid protrudes

i take my fingertips outlining every inch of my figure
slowly pouring upwards, as if defying gravity
between my legs
and back

i close my eyes
waiting for your signature





miss you.

; i'm not like that anymore

There was one night in the summer,
We slept with our heads together
And were the stars of each others dreams

We wrapped ourselves, together stuck
Rustled in September leaves
Grass and sticks nagging
We promised we would never leave

There was a time you knew yourself
And forever we thought, together we would breath

Untitled

i made these today.

For someone who writes as often as I do,
It's pretty hard to write an essay about yourself- and what you love to do

I'm afraid to appear unlike I really am.
I want them to know me after they have read my 1500 word essay.

How should I approach summing up everything that has brought me to this moment in 1500 words?
I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Regardless, I sit like a real live writer- stumped-
It makes me think I know myself a little less than I thought I did.

Sigh,

I must continue.

like I bent down, and dipped my hands in cold water
splashing it onto my face
a slap in the face
the change is mostly inside
but i smile



i love everyday,
each and every single day
and i do not take anything for granted
a lesson learned from the person once closest to me-
thank you again


i miss seconds and minutes that were spent filling my entire body with music
when i wasn't distracted or doing anything but being wide awake- listening
or waking up and not moving for half an hour
i miss smiling ever so slightly, and catching someones attention
when it actually meant something-
i miss sunshine
i miss white bread
and i miss electric days



i need something electric



wish me luck?