why i'm left- the way i'm left

the desirable appears raw and real
somewhat dangerous
and never predictable

the faltering nature of my disposition leaves me stranded

I was sitting on a park bench
Holding my breath

When you walked right on by
I sat there, holding my breath

And my eyes began to water
As I held my breath

I watched you pull her close and kiss her
While I held my breath

Shortly after, when she left you
You caught me holding my breath

My cheeks puffed out, a shade of blue
For you, I held my breath

And as you looked at me,
All you could see
Was a blue faced girl- near death

I resent the fact, for you my dear-
That I ever held my breath

a tidal wave paralyzes me
casting a shadow slowly
first onto my shins, creeping upwards
towards my chest
my neck crooked to witness the overtaking

the water is seeping through my pores
washing away my internal organs
drowning me
from the inside, out.

tonight...

words left to fester on the tip of my tongue
oblivious to their meaning and impact
unaware of the complications that linger behind them

I see a gentle cafe in between two stone buildings
Where a breeze catches and when the wake is high mist carries through the crevasse
Refreshing all of the busy bodies enjoying their lattes


I see a romantic setting with candles and a table set by someone,
with malicious intent to please, someone else.
Their love overflowing and spilling out of the wine glasses,
Each lover sipping gracefully from them.


I see the wind, the cold calm wind.
Blowing everyone just the same.
And everyone breathing- just the same.
And something occurring that is nearly unexplainable.

Often times i sit in solitude,
Nervously, of course.

Nervous not due to my seclusion,
Nervous of how you feel, soaking in yours.

I reassure you, although you see me now as someone strange and new.
I am more myself now.
More than ever.

You look nice.
You look like something sugary.
Rough but sweet to the taste.

I want nothing more than to wrap myself around you
Hold you close to my chest.

I see you and I- us.
Melting in the sun
Your hands grasping my heart with a tight grip.
To cut off its circulation
And me, left to feel nothing but pins & needles.

To stop the pain that follows
A revelation- that it would be inexplicably selfish to do this to you again.