+ it's all false love and affection, you don want me you just like the attention.

Sunday October 4, 2009

drum and bass echos endlessly in my mind, reverberating in the cracks of my skull.
sound seeps in from this tiny room i am immersed in.
close my eyes for a little while, the closest feeling I've got to a buzz before you left.

...skinny love

; cover up- its just a visage.

Im sick of these normalcies!
in my life for one thing...
reflected in my writing for another.

the same words, overheard in coffee shops
reused and recycled in my own pieces
opening doors
forcing me to reap the benefits.

It's awkward and uncomfortable-
this state of mind,
this time of year.

The sun stays out longer, but its just as cold.

funny how it happens...

my mind a clear slate
ready to resume my position of potential that I comfortably resided in
before you captured my attention.
and for a short moment a feeling of exuberance overcomes me
but as fate would have it,
you arrive again.

why i'm left- the way i'm left

the desirable appears raw and real
somewhat dangerous
and never predictable

the faltering nature of my disposition leaves me stranded

I was sitting on a park bench
Holding my breath

When you walked right on by
I sat there, holding my breath

And my eyes began to water
As I held my breath

I watched you pull her close and kiss her
While I held my breath

Shortly after, when she left you
You caught me holding my breath

My cheeks puffed out, a shade of blue
For you, I held my breath

And as you looked at me,
All you could see
Was a blue faced girl- near death

I resent the fact, for you my dear-
That I ever held my breath

a tidal wave paralyzes me
casting a shadow slowly
first onto my shins, creeping upwards
towards my chest
my neck crooked to witness the overtaking

the water is seeping through my pores
washing away my internal organs
drowning me
from the inside, out.

tonight...

words left to fester on the tip of my tongue
oblivious to their meaning and impact
unaware of the complications that linger behind them

I see a gentle cafe in between two stone buildings
Where a breeze catches and when the wake is high mist carries through the crevasse
Refreshing all of the busy bodies enjoying their lattes


I see a romantic setting with candles and a table set by someone,
with malicious intent to please, someone else.
Their love overflowing and spilling out of the wine glasses,
Each lover sipping gracefully from them.


I see the wind, the cold calm wind.
Blowing everyone just the same.
And everyone breathing- just the same.
And something occurring that is nearly unexplainable.

Often times i sit in solitude,
Nervously, of course.

Nervous not due to my seclusion,
Nervous of how you feel, soaking in yours.

I reassure you, although you see me now as someone strange and new.
I am more myself now.
More than ever.

You look nice.
You look like something sugary.
Rough but sweet to the taste.

I want nothing more than to wrap myself around you
Hold you close to my chest.

I see you and I- us.
Melting in the sun
Your hands grasping my heart with a tight grip.
To cut off its circulation
And me, left to feel nothing but pins & needles.

To stop the pain that follows
A revelation- that it would be inexplicably selfish to do this to you again.

You made me who I am,
Now neither of us know,
Where I am to go next...

We'll work that one out together.

I have nothing to say.

I think this means I'm happy.

I feel helplessly devoted to ensuring the utmost happiness for myself at this point in time.
I feel a refreshing feeling that follows shortly after the sappy, sad and seemingly detrimental kind of night I had on friday.

I am just excited to finally begin focusing on myself again.

march 11/09

this unfamiliarity turns me off
and forces me to feel reluctance

i hesitate to write what i know
for fear that it may be discovered untrue

i stay clear of writing how i feel
for fear that someone may understand

bundatshityo

thanks girl, here you are!

How dare you look at me
Lay breathing with me
Telling me, only me

How dare you crawl your way
On your hands and knees
To be with me

And with those hands,
Two sweating hands

You press into my body
Mouth wide open
Eyes closed blissfully

How dare you waste my time
On sex and lies

tell us what you want.

I've been thinking about my infatuation with love
and how I continue to make helpless excuses to distract myself from what I know I want.

Everyone wants something more
There is not one person who doesn't long for the security and stability of something real
Something big enough for two people to swim in- or drown in- happily.

And although at times the thought makes me sick, I do believe that in instances of insecurity
and vulnerability I lower myself , and the quality of who I am to please the shallow self.

Questions arise that force me to review what it is I really am attempting to find.

Something that makes me want to write.

I don't want a forever.
I want a right now.

beautiful

im not up for wordiness today
everything feels mostly introverted for the moment

wait until my heart seizes and i can't keep the words tucked neatly inside any longer-
things could get messy.

advantage: (in the context: to take advantage of)- to make use of for gain: to take advantage of an opportunity.




yep.
there it is-
to take advantage of- or be taken advantage of

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs


can i have some?

ah-lone

There is an issue that has come to my attention that I feel necessary to address.

The problem is, each night I sip my tea before I slid in between the sheets
fiddling with them gently, pulling them up over my eyes

And then, my arm reaching up
Turns out the light, dousing me in truth

I close my eyes,
Nearly believing that being alone is better than feeling warmth permeate between the sheets
And us


And the issue sits, soaking in logic and reason

But reasoning only enlightens me
Being alone will never feel to me, like you felt with me

february 2

this day was great

i hate not making sense
but its like the thing i do best.


i miss a lot of people

knee deep in darkness
nervously touching myself to ensure I stay in tact

boundaries are broken
from my fingertips pour an elastic like fluid

i begin to move now, forgetting about the darkness that nearly consumed me
and as my finger tips move the more this fluid protrudes

i take my fingertips outlining every inch of my figure
slowly pouring upwards, as if defying gravity
between my legs
and back

i close my eyes
waiting for your signature





miss you.

; i'm not like that anymore

There was one night in the summer,
We slept with our heads together
And were the stars of each others dreams

We wrapped ourselves, together stuck
Rustled in September leaves
Grass and sticks nagging
We promised we would never leave

There was a time you knew yourself
And forever we thought, together we would breath

Untitled

i made these today.

For someone who writes as often as I do,
It's pretty hard to write an essay about yourself- and what you love to do

I'm afraid to appear unlike I really am.
I want them to know me after they have read my 1500 word essay.

How should I approach summing up everything that has brought me to this moment in 1500 words?
I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Regardless, I sit like a real live writer- stumped-
It makes me think I know myself a little less than I thought I did.

Sigh,

I must continue.

like I bent down, and dipped my hands in cold water
splashing it onto my face
a slap in the face
the change is mostly inside
but i smile



i love everyday,
each and every single day
and i do not take anything for granted
a lesson learned from the person once closest to me-
thank you again


i miss seconds and minutes that were spent filling my entire body with music
when i wasn't distracted or doing anything but being wide awake- listening
or waking up and not moving for half an hour
i miss smiling ever so slightly, and catching someones attention
when it actually meant something-
i miss sunshine
i miss white bread
and i miss electric days



i need something electric



wish me luck?

...

I was thinking how nothing last, and what a shame that is.

sometimes I wonder how my life would be different, if i was born then-
and not in 91'

i'm making eyes at you

Progressing into the most emphatic portion of her life,
a young girl closed her eyes and felt her head press against the back of her neck.
Wet hair stuck to her bare back, her hands touching cold tiles gracefully.

A shiver struck first her toes and then her knees. It ended only as her head shook slightly from side to side.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

& HO (ho ho)

Merry Christmas baby.
I don't think I could have hoped for a better post to find when I ventured on to your blog to catch up on your life.

You truly did fulfill each item on my wish list- of course not including the kiss under mistletoe but how can I blame you!

You are such a genuine and kind person- and even 2.5 years later I think it really goes to show we are two no-bullshit kind of girls. Together, we make a pretty strong team.

And I need no apology from you- people grow and I think we both have learned a lot from rumours, and ex's etc etc..

I hope you have an amazing Christmas.
You owe me lunch or coffee or something after all this crazy Holiday Mayhem.
GOT THAT!?

Missing you always,


BUNDATSHITYO.

; the one night that lasted

And felt like it may never conclude itself
As I rest my palms, on the familiar surface

Riding an enormous tidal wave
Crests of memories crashing

Alone I sit, in the one night that lasted

And only when I close my eyes does a solution surface
From the depths of my minds ocean

This moment, it mocks me
As I prop myself up, riding the wave
Smiling and breathing in the sultry smell of salt

As my eyes begin to burn, they roll back- my eyelids open
I am stuck here, waiting
in the one night that lasted

dear stefan; i hope you're pooing as you read this.

Your secret is out, everyone knows now that you read my posts from the toilet on your
iPHONE.

Listen, there's no shame in that- so don't fret.

I'm lying in bed, my entire body exhausted
Melting into every bit of material my sheets and pillows will allow.
Comfortable- and happy (to say the least) that the week is finally over.

I have felt so incredibly overwhelmed this past week- and thinking of all the things I can easily avoid until January is killing me, yet with this being said-I continue to avoid.

Tomorrow night deserves an energetic Reilly- meaning tonight I need to rest up.
I hope it doesn't snow too hard.
I would enjoy an adventure tomorrow and to be able to do all the fun things I would like to do.

I am so thankful that moh ho made me that playlist because so far I have really really enjoyed it!
I have managed to download all of the songs- and made a fun cd for those nights when I'm in the car, and roll down the windows in the freezing cold- music blaring







and sometimes, if it's really late, and no one is around



i'll sing.



Ghosts- Laura Marling ♥

Listen kids,
I'm tired.


I'll be back soon.
Don't hold your breath (probably some of the best advice I've ever heard)

; to moh

& lt's ptnd ths nvr hppnd

I
can't
bring
myself
to
accomplish
anything!

It's called procrastination, something I'm extremely familiar with.
It's frustrating.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow- wednesday.
I'm looking forward to waking up to my mom- telling me a story to make me smile
and putting on my sweatshirt and gently tripping down the stairs to the kitchen- where I will eat my Multigrain Cheerios & banana.
I'm looking forward to rushing around, just to make it to the car in time.
& Slipping on the driveway in my already soaking boots.
Snow trickling down from the sky onto each eyelash-
Causing me to blink profusely until they have melted away into the back of my brain.


Some people avoid routine.
Can't stand it.
And believe me, I've felt that way too- the feeling of dreading what you know will come each day.
But being content with routine, forces you to pay extra attention to the things that appear different each day-

Maybe I'm trying to justify my own pathetic life because I know this is more or less how I'll live the rest of my life.
HA!

But yes, I like routine.

I'm looking forward for my perfectly normal routine that leaves me oh so content to include someone who makes me melt.





Lets Pretend This Never Happened.

; cause you don't know who i was before you...

Dear Blogger,

Hoooooow I have missed you over the past few days.
I swear I can explain my absence, as the weekend took it's typical nasty toll on me I was very busy and didn't get the chance to write.

Today was an amazing day though, and for a Monday is wasn't nearly as dreadful as past Mondays I've had.

I find these days there's no real proper explanation to a good day vs. a bad day
they simply are either one or the other
mostly because of a mood or because of how the people around me make me feel
I suppose also, now that I am re-learning myself it's not just the people around me but a comfort within my own self that sets the mood from day to day.

Recently I have been analyzing Macbeth, a seemingly boring Shakespeare play to some students, but the content is unexplainable- hilarious really and makes me think William was probably a real charmer, way back when.
The sexual innuendo and outwardly dirty comments made are really something- check it out boys and girls.


I miss PK.

The end.

P.S I'll be back later.

ON THIS DAY: DECEMBER 3RD, 2008

My room is fucking hot.

like so hot that I would rather be lying down outside posting this than in this hot bed in this hot room in this hot house.

today was oh so interesting and oh so eventful- school was a combination of aimless texting, talking about love & the rest of my life.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one i see

V is very very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

Honestly, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds- I'm pretty sure there is some validity to this horrible love song! 

But seriously-  I would get into the love talk but thinking about it makes me sick right now, and I've talked about it far too much- 

I'm a wreck.

Hah, I should probably get my life all sorted out now.

My with the same ideas tossing and turning in my head all the time it's hard to settle down on one topic and discuss, I'm pretty easily distracted and the combination of the heat in my room is making my brain swell.

I want to study, and drink hot chocolate with whipped creme˚ 

I'm happy Moh Ho (my favourite HO) got blogspot.

She inspires me, and I'm glad we have rekindled our friendship.

I missed her lots.

I feel sleepy from all this heat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GX3u48bX7o

I ate popcorn today,

Just about my favourite after school snack- 

Which I suppose in theory could make my day pretty sweet,

or salty depending on how you think the popcorn would tingle on my taste-buds.

I miss a lot of people tonight,

People I haven't seen in far too long- friends that I've missed-

My stomach is hurting, just right now

I'm thinking maybe its to do with the longing to reconnect.

I'm not necessarily in the right mindset to tell tales about my day at the moment,

So I'm contemplating checking back in tomorrow to spill the beans.

No one is awake here now, 

And I love it- I'm avoiding even playing music- just so I can try my hardest to type as quietly as I can.

Not that if I typed any louder I might wake people up-because I doubt the sounds of my little fingers typing away could awake anyone, but the whole concept of it makes writing here a little more exciting.

So I type and I type...

With no resolution.

Gooooooodnight.

& Until We Bleed- Lykke Li

I'm naked
I'm numb 
I'm stupid 
I'm staying
And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'

Lights black; heads bang
You're my drug
We live it
You're drunk, you need it
Real love, I'll give it
So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

You wasted your times
On my heart
You've burned
And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too

Doors slam
Lights black
You're gone
Come back
Stay gone
Stay clean
I need you to need me
So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

Now we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with a friend earlier today, and it's really been bothering me.

We've been friends for a while now, about six years.

She reminded me of something that I hadn't even thought about probably since it happened, and it made me sad to think that I cannot possibly remember each detail or story or moment or memory in my life, even thus far (only a mere 17 years)

And even with cameras and the amazing technology we have, it is nearly impossible to capture each emotion and what had just happened, and the true and natural anticipation of what will happen next.

Plus when I turn 30 and look at a picture of me with my friends when I was 17, my brain will have matured and developed and neurons will have pruned themselves and certain aspects of my thinking will be drastically different, meaning when I remember that moment by an image filled with faces and colours my brain will process the photo in a completely different context.

I know this is life, and this is what makes it so bittersweet- but couldn't there be some way, and maybe it is just writing down everything that happens- but something to put you right back where you were, remembering each moment. 

Like the smallest stuff, that might just change you a little- but means a lot.

I suppose this is why things such a blogs have always intrigued me.

People attempt to commercialize technology to make you process your memories all the same way.

But I'm going to find my own way.

And when we're 90 years old and meet on the street, I'll be able to tell you all of my most vivid memories, and you will be stuck with an old picture- the colours turned yellow and the smiles faded.

Now it's just figuring it all out that's the issue.

"What did you dream the night you ate a spider while sleeping?"

I dreamt that I was sitting at the dinner table with all of my extended family. 

Obviously I hadn't met them all, but there was a certain phoniness in my smile that reassured me who they were. I took a spoonful of green peas placing them gently on my plate, not making a sound. 

As I scooped them up and put them in my mouth I felt each one "POP" and begin dancing in my mouth, tapping on my tongue and teeth. As I opened my mouth, almost with anticipation they danced faster. My relatives stood up in amazement, they began to clap and dance as well, for the peas had made them shake their heads in disbelief.

Fin.

& KANYELYKKETINGS

All the good stuff, for the time being.

Lying in bed listening to some interesting newer and older songs that get me going.

DNLD

+ the saltwater room- owl city 

+ day and night- kid cudi

+ i'm in miami bitch- LMAO

+ paranoid- kanye west

+ street lights- kanye west

+ robocop - kanye west

+ staralfur- sigur ros

+ love bug- jonas brothers

+ until we bleed- lykke li 

& so we're bound to linger on

i can't help but continue to write

it's like my brain is on overdrive and it won't allow me to slow down

everything feels really nice right now

really different

really refreshing

Connecting with people i haven't ever or in a while, makes me feel like there is a great chance of something decent coming along sooner or later.

Not that I didn't have the hope before, it just seems more likely- set in stone, more concrete that things will work themselves out.

I've often become nervous that I trust the future too much, I jump into life not afraid to make a splash. Things will work themselves out, if you are smart and continue to demonstrate integrity and independence then you will shine.

I'm sleeping.

Goodnight universe.

LYKEE OMG;

There's a marching band in my brain.

No, I'm not on drugs- thank you.

I'm expressive and feel as if the section of my brain that keeps me worried has been removed.

Finally, I'm breathing again.

Christmas is approaching, which means my heart is warming up and my longing for family time and red and glitter is growing with each day.

We purchased our Christmas Tree today and the smell of pine is just settling into our carpets and couches and pillows.

I chatted with my Aunt for a long time today on the phone, it always ceased to amaze me how my family prevails and continues to be positive even through the worst of things.

This is why I look and depend so much on people like my MOM & AUNT.

I love them, oh so much.

Anyways, can't wait for xmas. 

Can't wait to immerse myself in my selfish middle-upper class ideologies.

I am thankful.

That's all FER now.

This is me, like- just happy n shit.

WHY NAT.

Dear friend,

I'm begging you with everything you have to look into your heart and see the truth. I love you and care about you, but you know all of this. 

I know that sometimes you will find it hard to think of me, but I hope you do. We had a long time, and a real good run at it. We devoted ourselves constantly, to the best of our abilities- but sometimes when people are as unique and individual as the two of us were, paths are easily crossed and different directions are pursued. 

The easy thing to do, is to pretend everything was okay- in order to make yourself feel better and to take the blame and place it on me. 

However, I  know that when you find the courage to look into your heart you will see that this wasn't working. 

I always looked up to you for never following the crowd, but now in the situation you were in three years ago I realize how scary it is- and I hope it didn't scare you so much that now you won't budge.

I want you to understand that I love you so much. 

Don't be angry, but smile- because now you had the ultimate control of your life. 

You are an incredibly special person who deserves special attention- someone who will sit on your roof with you until sunrise, and make love to you, and cry with you, and be as rock solid as I was to you in the beginning before my life took over. 

I hope you can understand this wasn't what my heart told me to do, but my mind- as logistically it only made sense that we be apart. 

One day in the near future I want to see you again.

And I want to see you happy, and grown up, and be proud of the boy that stole my heart and possessed it for so long. 

It hurts me to tear myself away from you, and I will never forget how it feels to sit in your arms- and to talk to you and have you listen and know how truly hilarious you are.

Make me proud, and make yourself proud.

You have the ultimate potential. 

Use everything you have.

I love you forever,

Reilly

& finally.

Lately I've felt as if my mind is numb.

I keep trying to feel love and compassion, or anger and fear. However, none of these feelings strike. When this happens I feel a lack of inspiration or caring in my life. There is nothing more frustrating to me, than a lack of inspiration.

So I sit, and observe, interact trying to see something or feel something that will wake up my brain, make my heart melt and send me back into my normal state.

I want to see something so beautiful, to send my body straight through my head, out my ears and my mouth to escape myself. To float in something beautiful, to breath in something beautiful or swim in it, dipping my toes in it. Feeling hot or cold or just right in it. 

I want to hear something so melodic it will put me to sleep, or keep me up all night. I want to hear something that makes me cry, or makes me laugh. I want to hear something that doesn't make sense, or that makes all the sense in the world. Something my brain doesn't understand, but my heart does.

I want to learn everything there is to learn, about everything.

About humans and photography and travel and technology and just being.

I want to be incredible at being alive.

; arms

been thinking about a way, to get you to stay;

I climbed into K's car today and immediately felt like I was drowning in the humidity. My legs feel sticky on the leather seats, and I love every second of it. 

Even when I was a baby, I loved the sunshine. I was born on May 2nd, and when my parents brought me home on May 4th- it was a beautiful sunny day and the flowers had just begun to bloom. 

I suppose because the first thing I saw of the world was a day so beautiful, I can't relate to people who enjoy the winter weather, and the snow and cold. 

As I've said time and time again, I can't wait to just sit out in the sun, work and party this summer.

Summer school will be interesting as well. Hmm.

I am currently lying in bed, doing nothing once again.

This past week has been very lazy, but a very happy lazy week.

I have many things and secrets to tell many people.

I don't usually have secrets.

This means good things.

As stupid as it may seem, I've been reading a lot into my horoscopes lately, and it seemingly seems to be really accurate! This means I'm pretty happy about todays. 

I feel like I've been waiting a really long time for something, and I feel that something really nice is coming along the way. Although, I can almost be sure of that- because I am living and stuff.

Anyways, its beeen real.

I love my best friends

I love my family

I love sunshine

I love to feel happy

I constantly put other things first before myself, and as I sit here doing nothing on this fine Thursday afternoon I am promising myself one last time to not let it happen again!

I realized today that I need to keep my ideologies, values & thoughts close to me this next little while because nothing is bound to change and everything is bound to stay the same.

I heard a story today about a boy and a girl who were sent to the office for kissing goodbye before class. I couldn't help but feel sad and mad at whoever had gotten them in trouble.

Because there are so many other problems at the school than love & being in love. We should encourage that. It made me reconsider how older people look at us. Just when I put trust in someone or a group of people I am disappointed.

I am so happy that it is almost summer.

SRSLY.

BU&F.

what it is

♥

& loose.

Nights when you feel restless can be tiring often, but tonight I feel rejuvenated. I can't help but feel happy because of the people who are surrounding me and the events that I know are about to come.
I had an amazing night with H, as usual.
It's almost as if the pages of my life are turning so quickly, and only who can keep up with me can continue through my story.
We started off at Alysha's then quickly moved to Dylan Cowmans where we partied it up.
I ate a bagel.
As my Mom and I drove home I confessed that I had gone to the LCBO and purchased alch. She laughed and told me she was 14 when she first tried.

I love coming home and feeling tired, I love having someone there to ask me how my night is and legitimately care & I love the fact that I get to wake up early tomorrow and sit in a driving class for 7 hours.
Get your phones out and get texting tomorrow morning folks because it's going to be a long day!

Not too much to say,
Hope everyone had a great night.
I'm pleased.

X

& twice

I turned my back on you, I fell flat on my face but didn't lose.

It has been too long since I have poured my heart out, so here I am pounding the keys of my computer once again.
The last few weeks have been tiring, exciting, the usual I suppose. I've felt a little misunderstood the last little while, but I hope that soon my intentions will be clear and there will be no room for miscommunication.
It's a gorgeous Sunday, and this weekend has been fun.
Everyone is coming home from University soon, meaning school will be done for us soon as well.
Heather and I went yesterday to get our bellybuttons pierced, which was very exciting. I worked last night, and the busy day got me a little flustered, because it has been so long since we've had a day like that.
I'm looking forward to everything that's about to come.
After all that has happened this school year, I'm really ready to just take the summer to rest my mind, exhaust my body and experience.


Twice- Little Dragon

& the underwood typewriter

The snooow is melting! 

I can wear my sunglasses again, and leave my coat in the house and finally things are beginning to feel a little more like spring up here in the great white north. 

These have been the first few days of spring break and I'm already itching to get out. If I haven't been working, I have been doing window art or lurking myspace trying to find music to fill my head with. Anything mindless to pass the time. It's one of those days where I don't have much to say except working is the most exhausting thing! Nothing too exciting to report other than that. I think I'll leave it at that and not bore myself with any other details. Sometimes tracking ourselves through writing leaves you feeling unfulfilled because it so blatantly puts our lives there to read. When it only amounts to a paragraph I guess you could say you feel pretty useless.

That's all!

& sleeping sickness

It's late & I'm tired.

The snow is out of control and sneaks down my boots as I slip down the stairs at the side of my house. I'm pretty cozy now though, back home after closing up early at work and listening to some nice new music I downloaded. 

I'm not sure why I've decided to start writing here because I know for a fact no one will care what I have to say and I'm not big on writing to be read but it feels nice. 

This winter is driving me crazy and I can't wait to get away from the snow for a while. Three days until NJ.

I miss my best friend.

That's all for tonight.

Sleeping Sickness- City & Colour